Navigating Love with ADHD
Welcome to an exploration of the intricate dance between ADHD and relationships. In this insightful blog, we'll navigate the often challenging terrain of love when ADHD is in the picture. From communication hurdles to the unique perspectives brought by an ADHD mind, we'll delve into the various aspects that can make relationships a tad trickier. But fear not, for understanding and awareness are the keys to unlocking fulfilling connections. Join us on this journey as we not only uncover the challenges but also unravel the qualities that define an ideal partner for someone with ADHD.
What are the main sources of issues in relationships for those with ADHD?
Communication Challenges:
When it comes to relationships, effective communication is the key to harmony and mutual understanding. However, couples where one or both partners have Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) often face unique communication challenges. ADHD symptoms such as impulsivity, forgetfulness, and difficulty paying attention can lead to misunderstandings and friction. The partner with ADHD might interrupt conversations, forget important details, or struggle to follow through on promises, which can be frustrating for the other partner. It's crucial to remember that these behaviours are not indicative of carelessness or lack of interest. They are a result of the way the ADHD brain is wired. Understanding and empathy from both partners can go a long way in bridging these communication gaps.
In relationships where ADHD is present, the 'how' of communication becomes just as vital as the 'what'. The way we present our thoughts and feelings can significantly impact how they're received. For example, impulsivity, a common trait in individuals with ADHD, can lead to abrupt and sometimes harsh expression of thoughts, leading to unintended hurt or misunderstanding. Moreover, ADHD can often lead to 'hyper focus' on specific topics, potentially sidelining other important conversations.
The role of triggers and past traumas also cannot be understated. Individuals with ADHD might react strongly to certain triggers due to past experiences, and their partner may misinterpret this reaction as a response to the present situation. It's crucial for both parties to be aware of these triggers, openly discuss them, and ensure they're factored into their communication style.
Masking, the act of concealing one's true feelings or character to fit into societal expectations, can also add a layer of complexity to communication. People with ADHD often mask their symptoms in an effort to 'fit in'. However, in a relationship, this can lead to a lack of authenticity and intimacy. Opening up about these masks and beginning to 'unmask' can be a vulnerable but rewarding process. It allows for deeper understanding, empathy, and connection within the relationship.
In conclusion, communication in an ADHD-affected relationship involves a delicate balance of clear expression, empathy, understanding of past triggers, and authenticity. It's not just about what we say, but how we say it, the emotional history we bring into the conversation, and the courage to be our true selves. With these elements, couples can navigate through the challenges of ADHD to foster a loving and understanding relationship.
Sex & Intimacy
ADHD significantly impacts the sexual sphere of relationships, often in ways that aren't immediately apparent. Dopamine, the "pleasure and reward" neurotransmitter, plays a crucial role in this. Individuals with ADHD often exhibit dopamine-seeking behaviour, leading to a higher propensity for intense passions, fantasies, and thoughts. This can result in a dynamic, exciting sexual relationship, but can also lead to potential mismatches in desires or expectations between partners.
However, the presence of comorbid conditions like autism or aphantasia can swing the pendulum in the opposite direction. These conditions can lead to a numbing of sexual desire or a lack of an internal fantasy world, further complicating the sexual dynamic in a relationship.
Outside the realm of desire and fantasy, practical challenges can also arise. For instance, ADHD can lead to distractibility, making it difficult for an individual to maintain arousal. Sensory issues can also be a significant factor. Some people with ADHD may feel uncomfortable in close sensory proximity to others or may have specific sensory needs that must be met to feel comfortable during intimate moments.
Another crucial aspect is the heightened sensitivity that many individuals with ADHD experience. They may struggle with verbalising sensations, leading to misunderstandings or dissatisfaction during intimate moments. Additionally, the fast-paced swings between different states of arousal and rest, common in individuals with ADHD, can be challenging to manage.
People with ADHD often have a higher-than-average libido, which could lead to mismatches in sexual desires within the relationship. Furthermore, they may struggle with a concept we term as 'shadow side' or 'sub-text based' communication. This refers to the subtle, often unspoken aspects of communication that are key in intimate situations. This could mean missing out on non-verbal cues, misinterpreting emotions, or struggling with the timing and pace of intimacy. The 'shadow side' can lead to feelings of disconnect or dissatisfaction. It's important for couples to navigate these complexities with patience, open discussions, and professional help if needed. Remember, ADHD is not a relationship death sentence. With understanding and the right strategies, couples can build fulfilling, empathetic, and mutually supportive relationships.
Therefore, when ADHD is a factor, it's crucial that both partners approach their intimate life with heightened awareness, patience, and a willingness to navigate their unique challenges. This includes being considerate of each other's pace and pressure preferences, understanding sensory needs, and developing strategies to manage distractibility and dopamine-seeking behaviours. By doing so, couples can build an intimate life that is satisfying and fulfilling for both partners.
EMOTIONAL DYSREGULATION & RSD
The latest insights on ADHD mood regulation come from Dr. Fred Reimherr, who, alongside Wender, developed the foundations of ADHD diagnosis for children over 50 years ago under the name Wender-Reimherr Criteria. Dr. Reimherr's recent update to his study suggests that we can now categorise ADHD into two main subtypes: the widely recognized inattentive type and a newly acknowledged emotional dysregulation type.
This revelation has caused a significant shift in our understanding of ADHD. An aspect once overlooked, emotional dysregulation is now rapidly becoming a key characteristic of ADHD in Europe and North America.
This is vital information for couples where one or both partners have ADHD. Knowing about the emotional dysregulation subtype can help you recognize and address previously unacknowledged challenges in your relationship.
In 2019, Faraone's article, "Emotional dysregulation in attention deficit hyperactivity disorder – implications for clinical recognition and interventions," published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, affirmed that there is a strong theoretical basis for considering emotional impulsivity and deficient emotional self-regulation as core symptoms of ADHD.
Understanding these insights empowers couples to better support each other and develop deeper connections by addressing the emotional aspects of ADHD in their relationship.
Understanding Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and Its Impact on Relationships
At its core, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is an emotional reaction that may be common for people with ADHD but isn't an official diagnosis. It stems from an overwhelming sensitivity to rejection or criticism, making it a significant issue in personal relationships, particularly among adults with ADHD.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria: The Basics
Derived from the Greek word "dysphoria" meaning unbearable, RSD highlights the immense emotional and physical pain experienced by those with RSD when facing actual or perceived rejection, criticism, or teasing. Imagine feeling severely wounded emotionally just by getting slightly teased – that's the power of RSD.
For one-third of adult patients with ADHD, RSD is considered the most debilitating aspect of their condition. It makes it nearly impossible for them to cope with the distressing emotions triggered by even minor incidents.
What Triggers Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?
Typically, RSD brings about extreme mood shifts in response to specific episodes like:
- Actual or perceived rejection
- Teasing
- Constructive or negative criticism
- Persisting negative self-talk caused by real or perceived failure
The triggered emotions can be internalised as severe sadness or externalised as intense rage. These moods can fluctuate multiple times in a single day, making it difficult for those affected and their loved ones.
Is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria Related to ADHD?
Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) isn't an official symptom of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in the United States, but in the European Union, emotional dysregulation is considered a key feature involved in diagnosing ADHD.
The current diagnostic criteria for ADHD are better suited for children aged 6-12 and have never been validated for individuals older than 16. These criteria focus mainly on observable behaviours that can be counted, overlooking aspects such as emotions, thinking patterns, relationships, and sleep. This has often led to difficulties in diagnosing and understanding ADHD for adults.
About 5 years ago, researchers started exploring the concepts of RSD and emotional dysregulation, which became popular among patients and their families since it resonated with their daily experiences. However, some clinicians and researchers were hesitant to accept these concepts due to a lack of historical basis and published research at the time. Most research came from the European Union, using the term "emotional dysregulation" rather than RSD.
Recently, there has been an increased amount of research focused on understanding this emotional aspect of ADHD. The European Union has added emotional self-regulation to its diagnostic criteria for ADHD, making it harder to ignore its significance.
Nonetheless, there are three main reasons why RSD or emotional dysregulation may not become an official part of the diagnostic criteria for ADHD:
1. They do not always occur.
2. People may feel ashamed about their reactions and hide them.
3. They cannot be easily measured or reported in research.
Despite these challenges, the European Union now includes emotional regulation as one of six key features when diagnosing ADHD:
1. Inattention and hyperfocus
2. Impulsivity
3. Hyperactivity
4. Emotional dysregulation
5. Excessive mind wandering
6. Behavioural self-regulation (similar to executive function deficits)
How Does Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria Affect Relationships?
For couples dating someone with ADHD or both partners having ADHD, understanding the emotional aspects of the condition, such as rejection sensitive dysphoria, becomes vital. It is important to know that emotional regulation issues have always been linked to ADHD but were previously excluded from diagnostic criteria due to measurement difficulties. Recognizing, validating, and addressing these emotional manifestations can improve relationships and help in managing the challenges that come with ADHD.
The impact of RSD can be complex for couples where one person has ADHD or where both partners have it.
Take a look at some of the signs exhibited by individuals with RSD:
- Emotional outbursts following criticism or rejection
- Social withdrawal
- Negative self-talk thoughts of self-harm
- Avoiding social situations for fear of failure or judgment
- Low self-esteem and poor self-image
- Constantly putting themselves down and being their own worst enemy
- Over-analysis of past interactions or events
- Relationship issues, often feeling attacked and responding defensively
Navigating Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria in Relationships
Dealing with RSD can be challenging for both individuals involved. The emotional pain that accompanies RSD is difficult to describe, with patients using words like "awful," "terrible," or "devastating." The intensity, however, sets it apart from regular emotional responses experienced by neurotypical people.
For couples dealing with ADHD and RSD in their relationship, it's essential to establish open communication and understanding. Recognising the difference between RSD-related emotions and typical mood swings can help both partners manage the situation better.
Creating a supportive environment could make a massive difference in coping with the severe emotional turmoil caused by Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Acknowledging each other's feelings, providing reassurance, and working together are crucial steps in making a relationship thrive even in the presence of ADHD and RSD.
CHORES & DIVISION OF LABOUR
In many relationships, especially those involving partners with ADHD, the division of household chores can spark disputes and tension. The situation can become even more complex when gender dynamics come into play, as women often bear the brunt of both the mental and physical load of maintaining the home.
The phrase "if I don't do this, it won't get done" is all too familiar in ADHD-impacted relationships, leading to growing resentment from overworked partners. It is crucial to address this issue before it worsens and damages the relationship further. Whether you both or neither of you have ADHD, staying organized can be challenging for both parties. Nonetheless, honesty and understanding about how you both individually feel and what is truly realistic for you both to individually commit to doing is crucial to break the cycle of over-functioning and under-functioning within the relationship. You can think of this as over-giving and over-receiving; once we realise chores and labour hugely benefit those we live with and our future selves that reaps the rewards of a tidy home and clean laundry, we can recognise the true gift that chores actually are. This enables us to better understand our capacity for some chores and our willingness to give that gift to ourselves or another. As people with ADHD struggle with time and delayed gratification, it can be a powerful tool to clean for someone else, particularly if that person provides instant and dopamine rich validation and rewards.
I can see this so clearly in my personal life. In my undiagnosed and unconscious previous relationships, I would often attract those who were also potentially undiagnosed or shared my reticence to complete chores and keep the house clean. The person I was with was also the walking stereotype of the ‘bachelor’ or ‘lazy guy’ - think month old pasta stuffed under the bed and more clothes on the floor than in the drawers (when he wasn’t breaking them apart). The toxicity of this relationship was supercharged by a fundamental lack of understanding on both our parts for how the other person's brain worked and what they needed to function. The unconscious patternings added fuel to the fire and worsened all the aspects of my ADHD.
This lack of action on his part coupled with gendered stereotypes of housewifery as well as being raised by a mum, nanny and grandad who were incredibly neat and habitually houseproud led to me taking on the full weight of ‘running the house’. I didn’t have the words or understanding of my neurodivergence to have a conversation about my needs and burn out, so arguments and festering resentment were our bedfellows and, no matter how many meltdowns and breakdowns I had, nothing changed. The cleaning and shopping and laundry became an endless demand that paralysed me whilst being tied to the idea of my self worth. The end result? I suffered whether I cleaned or did not clean - and reinforced the neural pathways that told me cleaning was pointless, dangerous, not worth my time and so on. I overtaxed my delicate and naturally deficient dopamine system and ended up not restoring it with what I needed most to function - good sleep, good food, good cuddles. Most days and nights I was too tired to make a proper meal and too angry and resentful to be open to even conversation.
That relationship, unsurprisingly, didn’t last.
My relationship now, however, could not look more different. My partner came to the relationship as a self sufficient and highly empathetic person, a long proponent of equality unburdened by sexist stereotype. He’s also a fantastic observer and was able to note that By engaging in that open and honest conversation when becoming overwhelmed by chores and tasks led to breakdowns, a lightbulb was able to flick on. Realising it wasn’t normal to struggle this way with everyday things without being shamed or escalated in my overwhelming moments enabled me to seek a diagnosis and finally make sense of how much more impossible these tasks seemed. I could let go of all the self loathing that paralysed me. I could work out strategies to ensure the house stayed clean (most of the time) without sacrificing more capacity than I had to give and burning out.
But if I could talk to past me, what would I recommend to do differently, to get to this place earlier?
Begin by engaging in a conversation with your partner focused not on their actions, but on your own needs. Express your concerns by stating something like: "I understand that organisation is difficult for both of us, but I am struggling to manage all these responsibilities alone. I feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and resentful. We need to develop a new system together that will work for us."
Following this discussion, conduct an inventory of household tasks and evaluate which areas need adjusting to create a more balanced workload. Helpful resources for this exercise include John Gottman's Who Does What inventory. Be honest about what task you are happy to do or not - and provide reasons, regardless of whether they sound ‘real’ or ‘reasonable’. Unlearn the shame and guilt that holds us back from authenticity.
As you examine chore distribution, engage in gentle conversations exploring why certain patterns have emerged. Discuss differing opinions on priorities, attitudes toward cleanliness or task urgency, alignment of tasks with individual strengths, priority-setting methodologies, family-of-origin influences on tasks management techniques, and other factors that may provide insight into potential solutions.
Remember also that there are numerous options are available for redistributing tasks within the household: outsourcing chores (e.g., house cleaning or yard work), eliminating some tasks altogether, reassigning responsibilities, seeking executive function or organisational coaching for improved efficiency, delaying tasks for extended periods, pursuing therapy to address emotional or ADHD-related barriers to engagement in chores, discussing gender bias and task distribution expectations, or other inventive approaches.
Once a plan is in place, remain firm without being unkind. Continuing to over-function will only fuel resentment and harm the relationship. Be sure to choose tasks that are important to you, as ultimately, you have control only over your actions.
Interestingly, research indicates that heterosexual couples tend to be more satisfied with a division of labor perceived by the female partner as 'fair,' rather than an exact 50/50 split. Consequently, it is important to prioritise finding a balance that works for both partners.
If issues persist with your partner's engagement in household tasks, broaden the conversation to address issues of parity and relationship expectations. Remember to focus on your own needs and desires rather than solely on your partner's shortcomings. Openly and respectfully asserting your needs can lead to greater resolution and contentment within the relationship.
The process of reevaluating task distribution will undoubtedly require time and effort; however, the potential rewards are worth it. Ideally, lightening your workload will allow you both more opportunities for fun and connection with your partner – strengthening your bond and enhancing the overall quality of your relationship.
FINDING THE RIGHT PARTNER WITH ADHD
ADHD can feel like a massive mountain to climb. For those with ADHD, it's essential to take charge of managing your symptoms. A flourishing relationship requires you to bring your best self – the version that respects and embraces the other person's perspective. Imagine being a gentle breeze, swaying side by side in the midst of unexpected challenges. Although distractions may come easily, remember that setting aside quality time with your partner showcases the love you hold for them.
For the one with ADHD, keeping symptoms under control is vital in nurturing an incredible bond.
Love knows no bounds for those with ADHD
ADHD-influenced relationships often fall into certain cycles that can strain connections. Yet, with knowledge comes power – recognising these patterns empowers you to cultivate the love you've always desired. Taking that first step in finding the right partner sets the stage for an unforgettable journey.
Discovering the perfect match can feel like navigating a maze. For those with ADHD, it might be even more challenging.
Roadblocks for an ADHD individual seeking love might include:
1. Hyperfocus honeymoon: During the early stages of romance, your ADHD might be hidden in plain sight, disguised under an intoxicating dopamine rush. This could lead to sudden relationship changes, sparking caution in future endeavors.
2. The self-doubt monster: We all question what our new flame thinks of us. Inconsistent behavior due to ADHD can make meeting expectations harder, causing partners to be overly critical. How do you keep moving forward?
3. Feeling swamped: Dating, texting back, and finding the right words can feel like a dense fog enveloping you.
So, what makes someone a great catch for an individual with ADHD?
Find a partner who:
- Embraces flexibility and empathy: Since ADHD can lead to unpredictability in time management and planning, look for someone who remains calm amidst changing circumstances.
- Shares your core values and passions: Harmonious interests will fuel joyful moments that balance out the challenges of living with ADHD.
- Cherishes your uniqueness and strengths: A suitable partner will appreciate your differences and the positive aspects of your worldview, especially when one has ADHD and the other doesn't.
- Believes in taking it slow: Waiting at least three years before tying the knot ensures that both partners accept each other's flaws beyond the initial dopamine-fueled period.
- Holds financial stability: Due to possible job instability for individuals with ADHD, a partner with a solid employment history is an invaluable asset.
- Faces challenges together without dominating: Both partners need to collaboratively address conflicts without letting resentment fester or overpowering each other.
- Laughs with you: Finding humour in life's unpredictable twists will lighten your shared journey.
Having ADHD does not mean you can't have a fulfilling and loving relationship. It simply means you may need to use different strategies and techniques to manage the challenges that ADHD can present. Through conscious communication, mutual respect, and embodied love practices, couples can navigate the complexities of ADHD and build a stronger, healthier relationship.
Remember, true love isn't just about finding the right person; it's also about being the right person. Embrace your individuality and work together to navigate life's differences with respect and a balanced sense of compromise.